On normal Saturdays, I'm happy. But today, I'm not. A part of me is dying from the increasing insecurity that's building up inside of me, somehow. I have no idea why I'm feeling this way. Maybe it's because I am feeling ugly today after looking at all those pretty girls on weheartit, or the fact that I had been eating non-stop since I woke up, making my exercises go down the drain.
Hahaha bet you never thought that I'll actually feel insecure because HEY I'm the mighty Jenny who has the legendary superduperzxc thick skin and is forever sooo confident about herself. But well, everyone has their insecure moments and today happens to be my day. It's hitting me quite hard so here I am, blogging about all these random thoughts which have been piling up in my mind since morning.
So... How about we start with this?
Not fully applicable to me, but I guess I can relate somewhat to parts of it.
"I'm that kind of girl who smiles even though I'm hurting inside. I never ask for help, I take care of my own problems. I'm insecure, and I hate
Just somehow, entering JC has brought my feelings of insecurity to a whole new level. I no longer trust people as easily. Looks is on my priority list now. And I hate being alone. (Not the BGR kind) It's like, things which I thought would never affect me are affecting me by a great deal now :/
For now, I'll just talk about looks because it's the thing that's bothering me that most right now :/
Which brings in the whole issue of me feeling insecure because of my looks. Yeah, I may go around telling people how 'pretty' I am. But trust me, I only say that to annoy others and make them laugh. It's a pretty good & useful tool for ego-boosting too ^^ And even though I might not be pretty in others' eyes, I think I'm quite pretty, just look at my profile picture on the right, not pretty meh?? LOL But the truth is... I was someone with really low self-esteem when it comes to looks in the past. I had been living the past 16 years of my life thinking I was ugly. Like really FUGLY. Let me tell you my story.
As a baby... I wasn't a cute one because I had really little hair which made me look so much like a boy.
In kindergarten... I was this fat poop who had ginormous lips, just like a fugly goblin.
In primary school... I was this tall skinny tanned freak (though I fattened up in P5/6) whom no one liked. Felt like an outcast (maybe I'll talk about this in another post when I'm feeling better about the whole issue) and I blamed it on my ugliness and lack of intelligence.
Lucky for me, my wish came true when I entered JC.
Met someone who finally complimented my looks. Well, that compliment may not have mattered much to that person but it sent me over the moon. I doubt I'll never forget it in my entire life and I still owe that person a big thank you because... It was such a magical moment that changed everything for me. Though I wasn't fully convinced then, I carried this hope in me that such things will happen again so that it'll reaffirm that compliment and it really did. Talk about wishing so hard for something that it actually comes true ^^
Hehe that pretty much sums how my ugly-duckling-turns-into-a-pretty-swan story! Oh, and that compliment was when my egoism started building up to its current level infinity. BUT despite feeling so great about my looks right now, I still feel really insecure.
The ugly past still haunts me up to now ): I really fear that the day when someone calls me ugly returns. The feeling of being called ugly really sucks and I never ever want to experience it ever again ): Motivation for me to become prettier lolololol.
My ever-getting-worse pimples are also making me feel really insecure ): Almost everyone around me have flawless skin and sometimes, when some annoying ones get even a pimple, they complain about it the whole day. LIKE HELLO, LOOK AT MY FOREHEAD BEFORE SAYING THAT. It sucks to have a pimple-y forehead, really ): It's time I start getting some skincare products to wash my face lolololol.
Face aside, the body's another source of insecurity. You know...
And I get all demoralized ): I never thought my body was an issue throughout my entire life until recently, when everyone's so into being skinny and stuff. Yeah, I always dream about having a skinny frame (like the one below), like which girl doesn't that?
But I'll dismiss that thought after minutes because it's nearly impossible and well, I liked how I was. The fit-looking me, with some fats here and there. Yeah, my fats disgusts me sometimes but I guess, everything will work out as long as I'm determined to lose those jiggly fats. I mean, even though I'm not cutting down on my food intake, at least I'm working out ^^
In fact, I'm pretty proud of myself for running 2.7km twice a week since the last week of June holidays ^^ Not exactly an avid fan of running in the past due to my bad stamina, but wellzzz someone's motivation got me running for a healthier lifestyle! (: Though I'm not getting any skinnier, I'm still happy because my stamina's getting better
Oh shitzxc my original intention of sounding all professional and emotional turned out pretty bad HAHA in fact, I'm feeling even better than ever. Not feeling a least bit insecure right now. Maybe because my egoism's coming back after talking about my workout or those feelings went away gradually as I typed this post out ^^
Bleh. Things doesn't seem that bad after all ^^ I shall end off this post on a happy note! Should you ever feel insecure, just think about stuff you excel in!!!!! Like how I will ego-boost myself when I'm all down and depressed. Or just fish out the pretty self that lies inside of you to cover up all of your insecurities! And everything will be better, as long as you believe ^^
“I don't know. Just because someone's pretty doesn't mean she's decent. Or vice versa. I'm not into appearances. I like flaws, I think they make things interesting.”